my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I will be naked everywhere
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
