First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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