every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
