You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
