Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
