dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
