so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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