I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
