did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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