First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
