I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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