the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize