I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
