I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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