Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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