His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
