i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
