Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
