He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
