just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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