just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
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