I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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