I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize