i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
