....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
