Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
