it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
