Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
