Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
