please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
