I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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