fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
