its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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