Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
