Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
