My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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