I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
