he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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