Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
