i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
