just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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