you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
