go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
