Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
