I saw his package. It spoke to me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
