don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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