i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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