I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
This toilet bowl is my home.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
