Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
