He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
