He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
