my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
