Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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